A night at a karaoke bar reminded this HR leader that we still need human connection

Imagine being cold and alone in a foreign city, away from your loved ones on a significant day. Not the ideal scenario for finding human connection or “spontaneous joy,” but that’s exactly where Mark Stelzner found himself this Valentine’s Day, alone and wandering the chilly streets of Stockholm before warming up to complete strangers at a karaoke bar.

Stelzner is the founder and managing principal of the management consulting firm IA, and he travels frequently for work, helping companies across the globe with people transformation projects. Generally, the downtime on work trips doesn’t make a profound impression on him. On this trip, it did.

“I’m thousands of miles away from home. I’m not with my wife….so it can be lonely,” he told HR Brew, about deciding to walk into the bar advertising “Stranger’s Night” in Swedish (which he doesn’t speak). “It was near freezing…[I thought] I’m just gonna pop in for a beer and a little respite and see the local scene.”

When he entered, he was instructed to take up a pseudonym and sign up for karaoke. He did. Everyone did. What followed was a “very cool, spontaneous, really engaging, joyful experience.”

“What was really striking about it is just this great amalgam of different people and personalities, introverts and extroverts alike, who all walked in,” he said.

Is this a story about HR or a bar? Once he discovered that human connection, it reminded him of what we’ve all been missing for the past three years at work.

“I have had this nagging feeling like something’s missing, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. But once I walked out of that bar, I knew exactly what it was that I missed…intensely in my bones,” he said. “And then it was gone, and I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t seen it since.”

Employee engagement has been dropping since 2020, especially for young workers and women, according to a recent Gallup poll. The low engagement is especially stark for Gen Z, a generation craving communication, gratitude, and professional purpose.

Corporate America may have to tackle this soon, as Gen Z will make up 30% of the US private-sector workforce by 2030. Some employees are working for managers they’ve never met in person, and fewer workers say they have a work BFF. As businesses think through RTO, company off-sites, and even continuing hybrid work arrangements, what may be missing from the discussion is the importance of genuine connection.

“There is no perfect answer on return-to-work or work-from-home, but when we think about something organic, something organic would be walking in the lobby and seeing a colleague…or you’re walking down the hall and someone just waves you over, and you have that offline conversation,” Stelzner said.

In the age where Zoom and Teams have dominated the workday, there’s very little time and space for building human connections naturally, he said, aside from the occasional impromptu small talk at the front or tail-end of a Zoom meeting. Otherwise, if you want to meet and connect with a colleague, you’ve got to book them and set up a video call.

What’s missing is twofold. There are fewer opportunities to create these types of organic experiences at work, but there’s a capability issue as well. We’re a bit out of practice when it comes to asking employees and coworkers about their family and home life, recent vacations, or even about projects and issues at work.

“Have we lost those—dare I say—soft skills to even engage on a human level? Do we know how to ask for help? Do we know how to offer help?” he said. “Are we so focused on just trying to thrive and survive in our own world that we’re not even noticing the subtle cues that people are giving us all the time?”

What’s HR to do? It’s complicated, according to Stelzner, but there are little ways we can encourage this connection at work. “We need to decide that people are interesting again. Not a burden, not someone who’s gonna get me sick,” Stelzner said.

“We have to create spaces for this organic connection. We have to remind ourselves that connection is important. We have to create space for it to happen naturally,” he said. “If we force fun or if we say, ‘We’re all going bowling as a team and you’re gonna go and you’re gonna have a good time and talk to each other,’ that can have the exact opposite effect.”

Create time on your calendar each week to connect with somebody. Reach out and open the door to show “you matter to me.” Perhaps that habit would “tip a domino,” he said.

Stelzner also pointed to an employee’s first moments with a company. Make sure “new joiners” feel welcomed and valued. Take a lesson from the patrons at the Swedish bar, teaching newcomers the ropes so they’re ready for when it’s time to sing their number.—AD